Alone In A Crowd

One of my favorite things about singleness is being available to people. Not to say I'm fancy-free with no responsibilities (I hate that assumption), but since I'm not focused on one main relationship, I can spend my relational energy pretty freely. I can rearrange my schedule if needed without consulting anyone. It's gratifying when I can drop everything to be there for a friend or family member - or just to hang out in a spontaneous, low-key way when no one is having a crisis. In those moments, I'm so thankful for my independence.

But freedom has a dark side. Those spontaneous moments are much rarer than sitcoms and movies would have you believe. I find I need a huge stable of casual local friends to increase my odds of finding one person to see a movie with, and that's a double-edged sword too. It means I have to spread myself thin, when I'd rather invest more fully in fewer, richer relationships. Meanwhile, it's becoming the norm to go weeks or even months at a time without seeing some of my closest friends. Not because they don't like me anymore, but because we're all too busy, and their significant others and/or children rightfully have first dibs on their relational time. Coupled people undeniably need friends and community, but in a less immediate way than singles do. Especially singles who live alone, with no built-in (human) companion, no go-to person. I remind myself constantly that this is the natural order of things. It's normal for dating or married people not to prioritize face time with friends. It's normal for mothers to be consumed with their kids and socialize primarily with other moms. It's practically the foundation of our society. But meanwhile, how do I remain positive with the message, You are the odd one, you are outside the natural order, so your needs don't matter ringing in my ears?

Even when I can find people to hang out with, I feel like most of my relationships are on an Eight or Higher policy. I can't regularly go to anyone with my twos and threes without fear of annoying or alienating them - I mean, who wants to be That Friend whose name on the phone display induces sighing? - and they don't need me for theirs. Am I supposed to give up on my long-term friendships and find new friends who are in the exact same phase of life... then rinse and repeat once they start families of their own and move on? I don't believe in that. But what am I supposed to do with my relational needs? How can I believe that singleness is an equally valid state of being if we're just out of luck in this important area? It's so tempting to shut my heart down and become an island. To say, Whatever, I don't need anyone. 

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this, and I know it's not necessarily a singles-only problem. I hear similar stories from long-distance friends, many of whom are married. Making and maintaining real friendships as an adult is often just plain hard.

Fall Melancholy

(Alabama, November 2012)

The shift from summer to fall always brings an inexplicable sadness with it. I love all the traditional trappings of the season - football, tailgate parties, pumpkin everything, the colors, the sense of possibility, the absolutely beautiful weather. But even as I revel in these things, something in me grieves a little. Yes, nature going out in a blaze of glory is a sort of sorrowful beauty, but it's more than that. Maybe it's just the passage of time, which I feel even more now than at the New Year. Maybe this is why the Old Testament year turns in fall.

September and November are also riddled with milestones for me. I'm aware, in a way I'm not at other times, that I'm still experiencing life's highs and lows alone and that this might always be the case. I honestly have no idea where I'd find the time and energy to start a relationship - I can't even manage my schedule now. But it's disheartening to have so much to give, so much you want to share, and year after year no one wants or even sees the light in you. Invisibility is hard. All of us, women and men, just need to be seen once in a while. Organically. Ontologically.

Still, I know that this is just fall melancholy. I have no feelings of impending doom about the coming months, which is a blessing. I have an increased sense of hope about other parts of my life, and we'll just see what God does before winter arrives.

More, More, More

One of my first Story 101 assignments, which we've continued to discuss throughout the class, was to "write the hard thing." Seven weeks in, I was still wondering where to start. But one "hard thing" has been nagging at me consistently, and it's in line with my One Word for 2013, and it is this:

I can't do it all. 

There are just too many boxes to be checked off in life. Work, lots of family and friend relationships, relationship with God, church involvement, community involvement, charity involvement, health, fitness, goal-setting, writing pursuits, general creative pursuits, home maintenance, car maintenance, cat maintenance, budget management, traveling – all these areas require constant upkeep. I keep as many plates spinning as I can, but at any given time a few things are taking a backseat. Whenever I feel okay across the board, someone ups the ante. A leader of something I'm involved in challenges me to further commitment, or suggests I get involved in something else additionally. The agency through which I sponsor a child sends monthly urgings to sponsor more children. My company and church issue more pleas for volunteers for this or that, when I'm already participating in something or just pitched in last week. They're just trying to share information and/or do their jobs, but the message I hear is often, Thanks for your participation and contributions, but it's not enough. We still need you to do more. 

I'm interested in so many things. I would truly love to be involved in everything, but I'm limited by, you know, my humanity and the space-time continuum. What I want most is to know that my life is making a difference for good and for God's glory, and that I'm living it to the fullest. But I feel like every time I approach that finish line, it moves, and I get too tired to keep running.

Often when I confide in people about my lack of love life, their well-intentioned response is, "You just need to put yourself out there. Have you thought about joining a club or something?" I laugh it off, because otherwise I would have to lay down and cry. I don't think I could join any more "clubs" or get any more "out there" without sacrificing my health. I can't force great single Christian men to be into the same things I'm into and then notice I'm alive while they're there. Yet I fear that people blame me for my singleness because I'm not pushing myself to the absolute limit to find someone. (Even though if they do blame me, that's their problem and not mine.)

Earlier this year I had the revelation that I don't have to fill every moment of my day. I learned that intentionally leaving a little open space in my schedule makes me much happier and more relaxed. It sounds crazy that this was a revelation, but it was and is. Still, it's hard to shake the guilt for allowing myself blocks (even, occasionally, whole afternoons) of introvert time. I worry that a friend will be upset because I said I was too busy to get together, but I could have squeezed her into that hour between those two events if I really wanted to. I'm always last on my own list, and that's not healthy. It's also prideful. I'm still trying to get a handle on it.

This mess of never-enoughness continues to be one of my hardest things. I still haven't found a permanent, solid line between healthy, full living and "I'm So Excited"-era Jessie Spano. Like that finish line, it seems to be in constant motion.

What I Learned On My Day Off

Every so often, life sneakily builds up on me until I'm at a breaking point. Over the last month or two, I've spent most of my lunch hours rushing to appointments, crossing tasks off my to-do list (stressing all the while about getting back to work late), or leaving early so I could go out of town or meet a service person at my house... then scrambling around attending events and stuff in the evenings and on weekends. I realize that this is normal life to many people, but personally, I can only power through for so long. I felt stressed constantly and couldn't deal with it anymore. Even after taking some time to relax last weekend, I hadn't come out of my mental fog.

So last Friday, I took a vacation day just to catch up on my life. I accomplished most of my nagging to-dos in that one day!* It's crazy how much easier it is to get things done in the daytime. Even though I slept in, by noon, I had already visited the car tag office** and gotten my tires rotated at Wal-Mart (and easily did the shopping while I waited). In just a few hours, I knocked out a list of errands that would have taken forever individually on a night or weekend. It was incredibly liberating. Then, with nothing hanging over my head, I was able to HAVE A WEEKEND. I had time for a leisurely brunch with a friend, reading, napping, catching up on my DVR, and even renting a movie (which has become the height of luxury to me for some reason).

I've concluded that my life would be vastly improved if I could have one Errand Day per month. One day (or even half-day) solely devoted to Doing All The Things, during which no one is allowed to call and redirect my plans or ask me for anything. Sometimes I feel ridiculous struggling to manage everything as a single woman. I sense mothers rolling their eyes at me thinking, How hard can it be? (and seriously, working mothers, I don't know how you do it). But as my friend and I agreed this weekend, single women are solely responsible for managing our own households. Even if it's only a household of one (and pets), we're doing it all on our own with no help and little time.*** As I've said before, single homeownership is not for the fainthearted. In addition to home responsibilities, most single women juggle busy social schedules to meet our needs for interaction… not to mention the time-suck of "putting ourselves out there" at every opportunity in the faint hope of meeting someone (because, as people love to remind us, God will not deliver the right man to our door). This is especially draining for me as an introvert, which is probably why I have these occasional breakdowns. I want to live a full and interesting life. I also want to know when I'm still single and too old to have children that I did everything I could. But often, all I really want is to stay happily at home with my cats and a good book and have it be okay.

Anyway, taking that day was one of the best things I've done for myself in a while. I can't really afford to do that as often as I'd like to, but in the future, I'll be less hesitant to take the time when stuff starts piling up. It's worth it.



* = The main thing I didn't do: call Comcast to cancel/negotiate my cable. I can't pay their exorbitant costs anymore, but I don't understand the competitors' cable/internet options and false advertising and hidden installation fees, and I also dread calling and arguing with them. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP.

** = Heads up: if you buy a car outside Shelby County and keep your old tag, it will NOT be transferred automatically. Even if the dealership said they would handle it, and you received completed transfer paperwork from the Tennessee Department of Whatever.

*** = This is still fathoms better than managing a household of two with no help and little time. (Been there, done that.) But that doesn't mean it's easy.

I May Do Things You Don't Understand

Over the past week or so, underneath my basketball excitement, I've been in a funk. However happy I am with my life (and I do have a GREAT life), the fact remains that I've been handed a pretty crummy, unfair situation... single again at 32 with major emotional scars and no hope on the horizon. Sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes I just get mad. While relationships come easily to other people, I have to keep depressingly low expectations. I know there must be good reasons why I'm still so single when almost every other divorced person I know was actively dating again within six months or less. A lot of it is due to my own pickiness and attempt at wise choices, and I thank God for protecting me or whatever He's doing. But it would be really nice at least to have male friends. Before I was married, I mostly hung out with guys, and I miss having a male presence in my life not related to me. Someone I can talk to and go to sporting events with. My close friends are married to great guys and I consider them my friends too, but it's not the same. You can't really hang out with someone else's husband.

Anyway, two things have straightened me out this week. One was remembering that God doesn't owe me anything. If He took everything away from me except His love, it would still be more than I could ever repay. The mere fact that I'm still breathing is a statement of His mercy, let alone all the other extravagant blessings He's given me. So if He decides I'll live a nunlike existence for the rest of my life, I have no right to feel angry or resentful. I also need to shake off my elder-brother syndrome regarding other people's relationships. I can't take the credit for conducting myself "better" than some in a difficult situation, nor have I earned a happy ending.

The second thing was this Tim Keller sermon I listened to yesterday (Tim Keller groupie over here!). The sermon is about Hosea. If you don't know his story, Hosea was a prophet whom God called to marry a prostitute, to remain faithful to her and keep going after her no matter how many times she betrayed him. The whole thing is meant to symbolize God's relationship with Israel, and later, Christ's relationship with the Church. It's an emotionally difficult story that I thought about a lot in the last six months of my marriage. At one point, Dr. Keller says that God is telling us, "Until you understand this experience of being betrayed by the person closest to you, you can't fully understand My heart for you." When I heard that, I got major goosebumps. There are many mysteries I don't understand, but my heart is fluent in that experience. In the early days, I knew that in the midst of the pain, God had given me a gift. A deep, personal way to identify with Jesus, know His heart toward me, and appreciate it more fully. I had forgotten about that, but now I'm reminded that I'm blessed, not cursed. Chosen, not rejected. Equipped, not put on the bench. It brings a much needed sense of revival.

This is a lot of honesty for a public blog, but if it encourages even one person, it's worth it.



(Title song reference. It doesn't totally relate to the subject matter, but I love it and it was in my head while I wrote this.)

Two sides to every story.

I've written before about "living in the tension." One of my current tensions is between independence and loneliness. On one hand, I honestly don't know how a man could make me happier than I already am. I have never known this level of contentment and peace. I feel like a different person from who I was before my divorce – or, more accurately, the whole, healthy, alive version of that person. I can bloom without interference, and a whole world of possibilities is open to me. I have freedom, comfort, semi-attainable goals, lots of activities, wonderful friends and family, and many other blessings. I don't let aloneness hold me back from doing things, and I don't have to worry that someone else isn't enjoying them. When I'm in this mindset and think about being in a relationship, I mostly think of being tired. Of anxiety and weariness and lots and lots of sacrifice. I don't regret my marriage, but it exhausted me in every conceivable way. Now that I've felt the sun on my face, I cannot go back to that dark cave. Why would I even want to take one step toward it? "Don’t mess with the happy" has become my personal variation on "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Why should I mess with the happy? Everything is great. Why should I give it all up?

On the other hand, the great things in life are less great without someone to walk alongside and share them. All the freedom in the world doesn't matter much when you don't want to go on the big adventures alone. All the friends in the world can't fill the hole of a spouse or even a boyfriend. That kind of relationship stands alone, as it's meant to. I have no automatic companion. I have no designated person to hash big and small things out with, or to share random thoughts with (and I do a lot of thinking and hashing, which is why I run my mouth in blogs, on Twitter, in e-mails to friends, and in frequent calls to my sister, who should qualify for sainthood pretty soon). I have no one to hug me when I just plain need a hug. I also don't have a designated person to give to, to invest in, to learn about and share with*. I believe I have a lot to give someone. Despite all that I've been through, I believe in love and in marriage and that it can be good.** I don't believe I am meant to be alone, but that doesn't guarantee I won't be. All I can do is "wait on God," which is a good growing experience, but sad and difficult sometimes.

Lately I've bounced between these extremes a lot. I know I won't always feel this way, but I also know it's not going to go away completely. It's another one of those struggles that I have to learn to live in.

* = Writing this made me think of Joey writing his speech for Monica and Chandler's wedding. It never fails to crack me up. "How about receiving?" "YES!"

** = "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

Things I Love About My Life

I loved being married, even when it was difficult. All things being equal, I would still prefer to be married. But I'm truly thankful for many aspects of my single-again life - things I couldn't fully appreciate when I was single the first time:

♥ I'm free to invest in people. I'm more flexible to drop everything to be there for a friend or family member if they need me, or just want to do something spontaneously. Instead of focusing on nurturing one relationship, I can give my time and attention to multiple people. I can make new friends. I can get involved in ministries. At times no one seems interested in my "investment," and then I start feeling a little Ecclesiastes. But most of the time it's good.

♥ No one decides my fate but me (and God). If I "feel led" to change careers, or move to another state, or take up a time-consuming activity, no one's stopping me. My goals, dreams, and interests aren't secondary to someone else's. This is huge.

♥ It's easier to be single than to be in a troubled marriage. I believed this logically in my younger days, but now I know it for a fact. It's a dense topic, but I only mention it here to say that this knowledge removes the desperation from relationships, or finding a man, and I appreciate that. :)

♥ I am only responsible for myself. I know I can trust myself to be responsible, and at least try to make wise decisions, in multiple areas of life. I don't have to live in crisis management mode, bracing for the next problem. I can do my best and trust that there's grace enough for my mistakes.

♥ I'm in control of my finances. This point is an offshoot of the previous one. Knowing that I'm capable of living on a budget, that I can sacrifice or adjust if I have to, gives me peace. I love being able to save and plan, and to give, and to splurge if I want to, with a feeling of security.

♥ Traveling and going out is much cheaper. :)

♥ I can cook (or not cook) whatever I want! Once the dust settled, this was the first thing I felt excited about, and it continues to be one of my great joys. :) Related domestic things, like the house staying clean and having control of the thermostat, also make me happy.

♥ I can trust my environment. This sort of sums up the entire list. I know everything that's happening in my home, and I can be relatively confident that the things and people in my life are as they appear. It sounds melodramatic, but I lived in an atmosphere of uncertainty and deception for a long time. So it does me a world of good to live with cleanness and honesty and solid ground under my feet.

I believe that not all of these things are exclusive to single life, that they can be part of a good and healthy relationship. But honestly, experientially, I wouldn't know. So I'm enjoying them to the max in my current state, and am thankful!

How to Be Alone

I saw this cute video yesterday and found it so affirming and encouraging! (Oh and I love that there's a black cat in the background of the sample frame. :))