One Year

It's been one year today since my ex-husband left and effectively ended our marriage. Divorce is a horrible, soul-rending experience, and I never would have chosen it. But through it all, God has been right there with me and has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. He provided an amazing family and friends to support and comfort me. He provided for me financially and gave me a beautiful home. He provided a new church home where my soul is fed and I'm able to be my real imperfect, oddball self. But most of all, He set me free. Free from the constant, nauseating, legitimate fear that something was lurking in the shadows of my life. Free from endlessly striving to be the perfect wife to a man who would never be satisfied with or truly love me. Free to discover and develop the unique woman God made me to be, and the things He made me to do. Free from throwing myself on the altar for my marriage over and over again. God knew that I would have kept doing it until there was nothing left of me, and He said "Enough." I heard that word that day as clearly as if He'd spoken aloud.

As my life has filled up with truth and cleanness, I have found a peace I never knew before. I feel healthy and whole. I also believe that God wouldn't have set me free FROM something unless He also intended to set me free TO something. When I'm overwhelmed by uncertainty and it's hard to hope for my future, this is what I cling to. My future may not match up with my dreams, but whatever it is, God lifted me out of the pit and set me on an entirely new path to bring it to pass. Do I really need much more than that to feel fulfilled?

When I read Denise Hildreth Jones's Flying Solo, I highlighted at least 75% of the book. But here's just one passage that I wanted to share today:

I will spend the rest of my life knowing that I loved a man – that man – with all my heart. That a piece of my history will always be his. Not in a way that will inhibit my forward motion. But in a way that has made, well, me. Made me into the woman that I am today. A healthy, vibrant, alive woman. It is also a freedom in knowing that it is okay to live. That though life brought me circumstances I warred against, the Creator of my being has brought me liberty from the war and declared to me that living is okay. So, I'm going to live.