Four Novembers

I thought it might be time to tell the full story of November 2009, the month that changed my everything forever. I've never talked much about the details, but I have enough distance from it now to know that it's a soap-opera-worthy story. When I recounted that month to my counselor, whom I've only been seeing for a short time, her mouth dropped open further and further.

My husband told me he had had an affair… with a college-aged girl. I wanted to save the marriage. He changed his mind about whether to stay or go on an hourly basis. We celebrated his birthday anyway. Then he packed up and left me while I was at work. Oh and did I mention my sister was also getting married… in another state? I was the maid of honor. And my parents didn't know what was going on until the week of the wedding. And the day before we left for the wedding, he decided he wanted to come home and try again.

Yeah, that's the short version.

This week, I sat down and started purging my clearest memories onto the screen. I thought I'd get it all out for my own catharsis, then maybe try to polish it for the public. Only a few minutes in, I had to look at my journal entries from that time to refresh my memory. Usually, that exercise is pretty painful. But this time, what I noticed most was how clear and strong I sounded. Reading my own words was like witnessing my own rebirth. It showed me I could stand to take a few lessons from my past self.

Sometimes I forget what it was like to realize, for the very first time, that I had a divine right to stand up for myself. Don't get me wrong – I was a complete mess at the time. I couldn't eat and I was fending off panic attacks. But at the same time, there was a peace and strength I'd never experienced, and I knew it was from God. Even in the darkest moments, I felt like a blinding beam of light was radiating out of me, a light that wasn't from me. I felt like Galadriel, blazing beautiful and terrible. That sounds crazy, but I can't describe it any other way.

All my life, I'd let people take advantage of me, in the name of considering others more important than myself. Even those who should have been looking out for my best interests took me up on that offer. All my marriage, I'd put my husband first, swallowing my own hurts. Submitting and then submitting some more. Wondering why all my submitting wasn't paying back love like the marriage books promised it would. But now something holy had been breached, and I was more certain than I'd ever been of anything that God was not okay with it. Any of it. He was angry about what was happening to His daughter, and He was letting me know that I didn't have to lay myself down on those train tracks anymore. I could draw a line – between myself and my husband, my family, the universe. I could have my own back. I could say, No more. Never again. This far and no further. I still took my husband back, but I took him back as a woman who knew her own worth, who would not be disregarded or pushed aside. That's probably why, six months later, he decided he didn't want to stay married after all.

The other thing that stood out in my memory, in my journal entries, was how well my friends loved me during that time. To this day, I feel a special bond with the friends I invited into my worst mess. They were amazing – spending the night with me, bringing me food, sending me flowers and buying me shoes. Praying hard. Gathering intel. Threatening lives. (They were kidding. I think.) They were the hands and feet of God to me.

I remembered all this. Then I closed the computer and went to bed, not feeling sad, but peaceful and thankful. Thankful for my loved ones, who were there when I needed them most, even if we don't talk every day now. Thankful to be me, to be whole. Thankful for God's love and protection.

It's been four years, and it occurred to me that four years is like high school. I was a "freshman" when it happened, and now I'm a "senior." Maybe someday I will tell my whole story. Maybe even in a book. But right now, I'm ready to graduate.

My Teenage European Vacation

I'm low on blogging ideas this week, so I checked out some daily prompts at The Daily Post. Today's topic is the furthest you've ever traveled from home. Well, the furthest I've ever traveled was to Europe in the summer of 1995 as a People to People Student Ambassador. Our group of about 20 teenagers from Memphis traveled with a similar group from Michigan for three weeks. This is Christine from Detroit with me in front of the Eiffel Tower. We still exchange Christmas cards. And yes, I do appear to be wearing a tablecloth.

Here are some snapshot memories of my trip to Europe, many years later:


♦ Staying with a kind elderly lady who spoke NO English in Salamanca, Spain. One of the Michigan girls was my roommate, and we totally exhausted my conversational Spanish, both with our host and in getting around town. I think it took us two hours to find the post office one afternoon.

♦ Our one-night stay in Barcelona and visit to the Olympic stadium. From the little I saw, it was a beautiful city and I'd love to go back and experience it for real.

♦ My homestay with a nice family in Toulouse, France. They lived out in the countryside, spoke English, and had a daughter about my age. I remember my few days with them as really peaceful and pleasant.

♦ The miles and miles and miles of sunflower fields in France. Think of how many cotton and bean fields there are in the South; now imagine they're all full of sunflowers. On our long bus rides, Christine and I wished we could pull over and run through the rows.

♦ Buying my first pair of Birkenstocks in Germany. I wore those shoes for years (it was the 90s!) and still have them.

♦ Taking a bus tour through the Black Forest in Germany, then stopping somewhere to eat authentic Black Forest cake. I wasn't super impressed at the time, but as an adult I've become a huge fan of Black Forest cake.

♦ Visiting a concentration camp. I think it was one of the smaller ones, not that that made it any easier to process emotionally. Before we got on the bus to leave, I somehow got some stinging nettle in my hand, which hurt for hours. I remember thinking that it was appropriate, a tiny empathy with the suffering that transpired there.

♦ Seeing ice sculptures and going down an Alpine slide in the French Alps. I've never liked roller coasters, but I loved that Alpine slide!

♦ I don't recall where, but late in the trip we stayed in a sports hotel for a few nights. Every major sport had a field or court on the grounds, which was really interesting. But the elevator was microscopic, so when we arrived, we all threw our luggage into the elevator, sent it up, and raced up the stairs to meet it. I've kept this good idea tucked away in case I'm ever in that situation again.

♦ Touring the United Nations in BEAUTIFUL Geneva, Switzerland. Another city I would love to see again.

♦ Paris was our last stop, and probably my favorite. Of course, we hiked up to Sacre Coeur, went to the Louvre and Notre Dame, and took a river cruise on the Seine. And everywhere we went, "Waterfalls" by TLC was playing, so that song is permanently associated with Paris for me.

♦ I bought two dresses in Paris, at what was probably their equivalent of Old Navy or the Gap. But I cherished them for years. I still have one, a denim dress that's in good shape and would actually sort of work with current trends. It still fits!


I'm very thankful that I had the opportunity to go on a trip like this, but I was young and didn't appreciate it as much as I would now. Also, I will forever regret not taking more pictures. Obviously this was before digital cameras, film was expensive, and you never knew for sure whether you got a good shot. So I only took two rolls of film in three weeks, and didn't have much that was frame-worthy in the end. The foolishness of youth.

Jewelry Stories: Jubilee Medal

As I've mentioned before, my two best friends/roommates from college are Catholic. Back then, I went to Mass and worship services with them fairly often. So I was well aware of the Great Jubilee in 2000 (which was our junior/senior year of college). I loved the concept and was happy to celebrate despite not being Catholic. :)

That summer, Kathy and her family went to Rome for World Youth Day. She bought me this Jubilee medal on that trip. I love the colors and the way the light shines through the Venetian glass. It reminds me of a special time in my life and in history, and is a sort of talisman of peace, given to me by a friend who thought of me when she was thousands of miles from home.

Other Jewelry Stories: here and here.

Jewelry Stories: Diamond Earrings

Shortly before my sister started dating her now-husband, she went through a rough patch with her singleness. Nothing was working out for her relationship-wise, and she felt understandably discouraged. Although I was married at the time, I'd never forgotten how tough it could be on the other side. I wanted to do something tangible to show her how valuable she was, and that she didn't have to wait for someday to enjoy the best things in life. So for Christmas, or her birthday (I can't remember which), I bought her a small pair of diamond earrings. I hoped she would remember every time she wore them that she was loved, regardless of whether a man ever chose her.

Fast forward to Christmas 2010. I was recently divorced and still piecing myself and my life back together. Debra and Lance, now married, gave me a pair of diamond earrings just like the ones I gave her years before. With the same message. I still wear them all the time, carrying my family's love with me.



(PS - I promise this series will not be a gallery of bling. These earrings are the most real bling I own.)

My Hope Ring

My favorite thing about jewelry is its history and meaning. Even when you buy it for yourself, it's often to celebrate an occasion. In this new series, I'll tell the stories of some of my most meaningful jewelry! The logical place to start is with my favorite piece - my Hope ring.

Sometime in 2002 (or 2003, I'm not sure), I was browsing the Pauline Catholic bookstore, probably for a gift for one of my Catholic BFFs. On my way to the register, I noticed a display of simple silver bands engraved with FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. They were clearly meant to be worn as a set. I loved the idea, but couldn't afford all three (I could barely afford milk at the time). After a few minutes' pondering, I decided on HOPE. I think my reasoning was that if I was going to wear one of the three graces, hope was the one I needed reminding of the most.

Well, I still need that constant reminder on my hand. In fact, if I ever get a tattoo, it should probably be hope-related.

Over the past ten-plus years, my Hope ring has symbolized so many different hopes. Some were fulfilled, some faded away, some came true and then untrue. Some still sit there, unchanged. But the ring is my common thread. It reminds me of the source of my hopes, and my ultimate hope. It's my talisman. It's not fancy or flashy, just solid and reliable. I can wear it everywhere and it never wears out.


But this I call to mind, 
and therefore I have hope: 
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 
his mercies never come to an end; 
they are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness. 
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 
“therefore I will hope in him.”
   - Lamentations 3:21-24

Memory Lane: SoCal 2007 (Part 2)

I almost forgot about this little nostalgia trip. :) Here's the remainder of highlights from my 2007 trip to Southern California - you can see part 1 here.

After seeing Hollywood, my mom and I ventured down to Long Beach and the Aquarium of the Pacific! We were excited to see different kinds of fish and animals than the Atlantic ones we're used to.

The aquarium also had a parrot and Lorikeet aviary. I'd never seen Lorikeets before. They're really cute!

When we'd seen all there was to see, we looked at the Queen Mary and a lighthouse, rode a Ferris wheel, and had dinner at a delicious Greek place.

Still one of my all-time favorite pictures.

My mom is a fan of the Schullers, so on our last full day in California, we went to church at Crystal Cathedral in the OC. The building and grounds are beautiful!

After church, we made a last-minute decision to go to the Getty. It was magnificent - one of my favorite memories from the trip. I also thought I saw Liv Tyler there (my only possible celebrity sighting), but was probably just someone who looked like her.

The next morning, we flew home, concluding one of the best trips of my life. After a week and a half, I felt very comfortable in SoCal and loved the culture, the beautiful weather and surroundings, and the excitement. For a long time, I thought about it almost every day. I even started wondering if I should move there someday. In the end, I decided that living there would only make me homesick for Miami (which probably makes sense to no one but me). Still, I'd love to visit again!

Memory Lane: SoCal 2007 (Part 1)

I've been reminiscing about my ten-day trip to Southern California in 2007, which is one of the best trips I've ever taken. Since this blog didn't exist back then, and I'm too busy to come up with insightful content right now, I thought it would be fun to share some memories!

I initially traveled to California for a five-day work conference, which will probably hold a permanent place as the swankiest one I've ever attended. My co-workers and I flew into LA and then drove to Palm Springs, where the conference was held. Of course we had meetings and things, but there was a lot of time to enjoy the area too.

On the last night of the conference, we went to a dinner held in a huge, beautiful tent on a polo field. And after dinner, James Taylor performed. !!!

The next morning, we drove back to LA. I had never been there before, other than arriving there several days earlier. My co-workers headed back to Memphis, but my mom flew in and met me at the airport, and we embarked on our own adventure!

This is still one of my all-time favorite pictures. I have about a million under-the-pier photos -
the light, and the lines of the pilings, fascinated me.

Our first major stop was the Santa Monica Pier, which we thoroughly enjoyed. We explored for a while and then waited to watch the sun set over the Pacific, an event neither of us had seen before. Unfortunately, it was FREEZING cold, and we basically huddled behind some sort of wind break, taking turns to pop out and see if the sun was setting yet. After it set, we ate at Bubba Gump's right there on the pier because we were too cold, tired, and hungry to look elsewhere. :)

The next day, we took a bus tour of Hollywood and Bel-Air. It was an awesome experience that converted me to the whole bus-tour concept - you see and learn things you wouldn't on your own, without any of the trouble of driving and navigating. We stopped at the Hollywood Bowl, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and the Kodak Theatre, Rodeo Drive, the La Brea Tar Pits, the Walt Disney Concert Hall, and Olvera Street. We lunched at the Farmer’s Market, finishing off with a jelly-roll-type Black Forest cake that I still think about and want to duplicate to this day. It was that good.

Onstage at the Hollywood Bowl!!!

Now this is a story all about how my life got twist-turned upside down.

Of course, we had to conclude the day with In-N-Out Burger.

Hope you enjoyed this! I had too many pictures for one post, so Part 2 will be coming soon. :)