Thursday, February 2, 2012
I've been even thinkier than usual for the past few weeks, and it's not the kind that leads to insightful blog posts. It's the kind that makes me wish for a vacation from my own brain. I've made a lot of progress away from people-pleasing, striving, planning, and doubting, and toward boundaries and peace and confidence in God's love and purposes for me. But it doesn't take much to send me into a backsliding spiral. With just a little pressure, I question my choices, my future, and whether I'm wasting my life. I feel guilty about the comfortable, independent lifestyle I enjoy (when it's a gift and not something I need to apologize for). I worry that I have to figure out what God's plan for me is so I can do it. I worry that certain things aren't happening in my life because I'm doing something wrong, so I have to get to the bottom of that too. I feel both paralyzed and frantic. I decide it's time for another "board meeting" with God, where we invisibly sit down and hash out a Major Issue so I can show Him I'm serious and really need to hear from Him. (I thought this was a little crazy of me, but a friend I greatly admire does the same thing. I don't mind being crazy if she is too.)
The other day, I was troubled about something, and figured it must be time for another soul-searching session. But my next thought was, Why do I have to keep doing this??? Why do I have to constantly agonize about everything? I lived like this full-time for about 30 years, but the new me can't tolerate it. I just want to let go, enjoy my life, love God, love people, trust Him to guide and provide for me, and see what happens. Can't that be enough?
I really want it to be enough.
So that's where I am lately. Not much wisdom to share. Just an incoherently gushing mental tap.