(Tybee Island, Georgia)
One thing I'm having to realize over and over during this time is the importance of living in the moment. The effect on my mental health cannot be overstated. As long as I focus on the day-to-day, I feel okay, even hopeful and happy. Then my goal-oriented brain says, "Better now! Time to look at the big picture!" Thus I've learned that the fastest way to make grief crushing and unmanageable is to think about an entire lifetime of dealing with it, to start making long-term plans around your Plan B reality.
I've always been a planner, by nature and nurture. Not having the future figured out is scary and makes me feel irresponsible and even guilty. But I know God has been trying to teach me for years to be still and leave things in His hands. After giving myself permission, again, to stop thinking long-term, today I feel peace for the first time in weeks. I don't think that's a coincidence.
I will go before you and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
- Isaiah 45:2-3