Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The whole 11/11 thing was fun, but I'm glad to see November go. More than any other month, November is packed with marriage-related dates and emotional landmines for me. Compared to how I felt last year, this year was barely a blip on the radar, and I know it'll get even easier. But this is the permanent kind of grief and fallout that you just have to learn to live with. I'm very "over" my divorce in a day-to-day sense, but in a deeper sense, I will never be 100% over it. It doesn't prevent me from being happy, or healthy, or moving on, but it's there underneath everything. Any major loss creates a ripple effect that applies in new ways to new experiences, so you can never totally shake it. I have a special appreciation for friends who have also experienced deep loss, because they instinctively understand this and don't hold it against me.
While I'm on the subject, it bothers me that a death is more socially acceptable to grieve, and feel repercussions from, long-term than a divorce. I believe a divorce can be just as bad as a death, and in some ways and situations, even worse. It's terrible when a loved one dies, and it's natural to have anger and complicated feelings toward the circumstances or even toward the loved one. But in most cases, that person didn't choose to leave you. Generally, you can be comforted knowing that the person loved you, and remembering your good times together. When your loss is the result of someone's choice, a choice that rejects every molecule of your being, it's a whole other ball of wax. It makes grieving the actual loss a lot messier. Meanwhile, people will expect you to forget any happy memories you have, acknowledge that you're better off, and Move On as soon as possible. But you can know the truth of your better-off-ness and still pay tribute to and feel sad for what you've lost, even years later. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It's okay... no matter what anyone says. Actually, I think this can apply to a lot of things.
Anyway, this Christmas season should be just what I need. My hope has really been waning lately, so it's the perfect time to reflect on the coming of the Hope of the world!